I miss being a lover girl

But I'd rather die than meet you in Montauk

Lately I’ve been looking at old pictures of myself a lot.

December was very heavily documented because I was so in love. So many selfies that only one person can ever say they saw. Almost everyday in first period I would take a pic of me with a clenched fist, pissed to be there. If I was walking to or from school with good lighting and makeup you bet I was taking a picture.

I was so happy and so sad and so with another person. I miss that.

I was made for long love letters and having a call to come home to. Not adding randoms on snapchat in a attempt to feel like I’m properly moving on and not staying stagnant. No I do not send. For looking at someone with big brown eyes to make sure I’m taking in as much as I can for as long as possible. Not another blurry ceiling picture as the other works up the courage to send me a picture of their penis. I don’t wanna see it.

I look at that girl from December like she’s my baby. She thought she would never stop bragging. She thought she found something that would be it. I don’t care about the person. I care about the version of me he took with her. She was making so many mistakes but who could blame her, it’s her first time living too right? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love someone with the same naivety I did then. Giving so much love and being full on the crumbs left on the plate.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully revive her. But that might be for the better. I have this sense of deserving more that I didn’t really have before. Is it so bad to love without expecting the same though? (yes I wanted to kill myself)

As happy as I was I was so freaking sad.

Whenever there wasn’t a call I felt like there was no point in even being. Too scared to let myself be surprised because I knew whatever I was hoping would happen would never happen unless I gave a step by step. After doing the heavy lifting of planning another date I needed to see a chiropractor. Fuck being a lover girl with no love to feed on. I need paper flowers too. I need to feel like the prize too.

I feel shitty sometimes expecting a partner to give me back whatever I give them. I give up so much autonomy. How could I ask them to do the same? And because I can’t ask for that, how do I go back to focusing more on myself when I have programmed my brain to take someone into consideration with every move I make? Will I ever figure it out.

Now I look at potential partners so critically. I can spot red flags a mile away. But I miss being able to look the other way.